A Trip to the Vets

Molly has been so ill lately and I was starting to get annoyed. She has been throwing up every day for weeks and I wanted to take her to the vets and my mum agreed but she never actually booked the appointment, it got to the point where Molly would throw up on my bed I’d change it and she would be sick literally straight after. I couldn’t just chuck her out of my room because it’s the only place in the house she is allowed and her litter tray is in my room, also she hates sleeping out doors.

In the end my mum finally booked her in at the vets and this time it didn’t take much to get her in her carrier and I was left with minimal battle scars. She meowed the whole walk to the vets as I carried her but as soon as we were there she was a good kitty and behaved very well. The vet was concerned and said that he wanted to take some blood tests and other samples so I had to leave poor Molly there.

When I went to pick her up in the evening the vet said she probably doesn’t have kidney failure or diabetes which is a relief but he still doesn’t know what is wrong with her so now my little baby is on medication and she has a shaved arm and neck from her tests. She is finding her leg a little weak but she took her medication for the first time this morning very well. She has improved a lot since she got back from the vets but she is still demanding to be treated like royalty because she is ill. 🙂

Friends In Need

So a lot has happened since I last wrote anything. For a while I was giving up everything and I didn’t know if I could carry on. I’ve done loads of mocks and other exams and got my results (for my mocks) but my mum didn’t care about them as she didn’t ask about them, and wasn’t really interested when I told her my grades.

I’ve been wanting to see my family in Dublin for years but because of not having contact with my dad and them not getting on with my mum it hasn’t been that easy. However I may have finally got my mum to agree with letting me go this July. I thought it was too good to be true; my mum wants to come with me because she reckons all the family there worship her. If they care, they would have contacted her.

After a very busy 2/3 school terms, it’s nice to relax for a little while. But when I relax the depression creeps back in and its harder to tell it to go away. So this Easter I decided try and find a website that would allow me to talk to someone. And I did! It’s called Friends In Need (FiN) and it’s a really great website; everyone understands you, is so supportive, makes you feel welcome and like you are not alone, they offer good advice and always get back to you so quickly, they are simply amazing people and in just the 2-3 days that I have been on the site it’s made me feel so much better! I strongly advise anyone who is feeling very low to visit this website and just start talking. There are groups and conversations you can join and there are even meet ups.

https://friendsinneed.co.uk/home/dashboard

Finding Your Faith, Not Just Your Feet

On Friday 17th October I had the worst day I have experienced this entire year, in fact I hadn’t felt so bad in a VERY VERY long time! To start off with I had drama. I love drama and at the moment we are doing ‘Too Much Punch For Judy’ and I made sure my group was completely happy and I wrote out our scripts and printed off all 13 pages my self and made sure there was one for everyone and even highlighted their lines for them. On this particular Friday our assessment was in 2 weeks. We had worked out everything. All we needed to do was rehears. And could we rehears? No. Why? Because some stupid, irritating and (a lot of bad words) girl decided to change groups. She lied to the teacher about why she had left first she said we hadn’t let her choose her lines which is total crap, then she said she didn’t have enough then she said she had too many and then she said again that she had too little! She just kept changing her mind every few seconds. I wanted to kill her. Instead of doing so and resisting the temptation to throttle her I yelled at her because I was just so pissed doff and wanted to cry because I had spent so much time and effort preparing everything and trying to make it perfect at the same time ass not pushing the group to much and making it fun whilst still showing progress. In the end I told my teacher (and my group agreed) that we didn’t even want her in our group because we were so fed up with her. To make sure we had time to actually re learn lines I had to take the script home and re write it taking out some really key scenes all because of one ignorant, selfish, lying brat.

Also the night before had been prospective parents evening for the new year 6s and it was fun but the next day they had still left the booklets for the parents out on the foyer table. And obviously people in my year took these. What I didn’t know is that there was actually a picture of my in the back on the little pocket that allows you to put papers in. Not only was this completely embarrassing and irritating having EVERYONE come up to me and either mock or just point it out, it wasn’t even a nice photo. I was talking about it to a member of staff during English and then my teacher joined in the conversation as well and so did Olivia. They were all supporting my point that they should have consulted every person in the booklet and asked for their permission or at least made them aware that they were going to be in it. In the end my English teacher actually sent Olivia and me down to speak to the deputy head (who sounds like a man and is apparently having an affair with the heard)

She was so pissed off. I was calm but made my points firm and unarguable as I could. I told her that I wasn’t actually allowed my photo taken due to security reasons. And she said  “everyone was aware that the photographer was there and so you should have said something” apparently it was my fault because I hadn’t told them (even though my mum sent in a form when I started in Year  7) I said “it was the schools responsibility to make sure the photographer was informed and anyway they were the ones who chose the photos not him and they didn’t even collect them in and because of this they had allowed me to be bullied over one photo” to which she got annoyed about. I had a great advantage because the photographer was actually Kate’s dad and so she had actually seen all the photos. She told me that there ere better ones and that the one they had picked had actually been cropped so it was just me. When I told the deputy this and she looked at me confused because she had no idea how I could know this. The when she said it was my mum’s fault for not informing the school that I still wasn’t allowed my photo taken Olivia said “doesn’t it say until you are 18? And you are not 18 so why would it change?” and Olivia was completely correct. Then the dep. genuinely said (she actually used a very rude tone: “Er…excuse me but why are you here?”. After a few more minutes of protesting she told use nothing could be done which we knew was crap, as other teachers had told us otherwise.

ANYWAY when I got home I told my mum this and she said she would talk to the headmaster. When I got upstairs there were some new school skirts on my bed, the same ones we had ordered once and they had come too big and they were black not navy so we had to send them back  and these ones had taken ages to arrive but were the right colour. I tried them on and…they were too small. I just got so frustrated. I packed them back up sat down and cried. I was just so frustrated and everything that had happened that day had just gotten too much for me. I was upset about the skirts because I had waited so long and my mum was going to be annoyed that, yet again, she had to pay more postage to send these back AND buy another set of skirts. I just couldn’t face telling her. I cried and cried and didn’t think I would ever stop.

Hillsong (a group from their Church up in London) had come down to visit my school that day and they had made me feel slightly better. They were holding an even in a church near where I live in the evening and I thought as it was Friday I might as well go and Kate’s church were going to be there too so I could go with her. So I was trying to redo my make-up but I just could not stop crying which made me more and more frustrated as black tears ran down my face. Eventually I managed so sort my face out although I had to borrow some powder from my sister as my face was blotchy (and my eyes were still red and watery). 7pm finally came and I was standing outside with Kate waiting to go in. Immediately I was beginning to feel better, just standing with Kate.

When we got in we sat down (right next to the speakers claps sarcastically) and the event began with music followed by preaching. The music was amazing and was so fun and lovely to see just people jumping around and worshipping to really cool songs. It was fun and defiantly something that cheered me up. But it wasn’t the music that made me think this was worth writing about. There was this guy called Phil who just had the most amazing way of wording things, and he sounded so passionate and made everything so clear. He was funny and inspiring. He was talking about how every single one of us was supposed to be there that night and that there was a reason for that. And in all honesty I think he was telling the truth. I don’t think that it was a coincidence that the one day I feel like total crap and just want to cry and cry just happens to be the night someone reassures me everything is okay and that I could (genuine quote from the evening) “leave any troubles or stress behind in the room and go out feeling happy and free” and I honestly did. It also doesn’t seem a coincidence that this girl in our year who mocks Kate and her religion to her face and behind her back decides to go that evening and Kate genuinely got a text from her saying “I enjoyed it and it really has changed my opinion and views about Christianity” she even APOLOGISED for ever mocking her! We couldn’t believe it.

Since then I have felt a lot happier and I am feeling a lot more hope for the future. And now I know a few more things I can do to make me and others smile.

Wall of Notes & Chain Reactions

I thought starting GCSEs would be stressful and scary but really it’s not that bad. I mean, I’ve chosen subjects that I love and so I don’t have too many bad days. I detest maths and science gets on my nerves but I have to do those subjects, the others I am really enjoying and even though we are getting SO much more homework and time is going so quickly (I already have two controlled assessments and a mock in the next few weeks amongst other tests) I actually feel more organised. Sometimes I find it a little hard to breath but mostly I am getting into a good routine and I feel like I should be able to achieve good things by the end of year 11.

I can definitely say having a tidy room helps to make you feel more relaxed as mine is HUGELY untidy at the moment and I panic a lot more and feel more stressed when I look around and can’t seem to locate anything. Also it doesn’t help a lot having a cat in your bedroom as well as all of her stuff including her litter tray and no one helps to look after her…it really can get on top of you but I’m starting to feel less like I’m drowning.

Everything seems to have just slotted nicely in to place this year, and I find that helps a lot. Having a friendship group you can rely on is great. I finally feel stable at school and I know I can count on my closet friends to support me when I need it. My two best friends have become so much more important to me and when just one of them isn’t there my day feels incomplete. Olivia went to New York with her family for this half term but she left 3 days early meaning she wasn’t at school and I didn’t say goodbye, even though it really is just been 5 days it feels like she has been gone for a month. I need Kate because she brightens my days and she shares so many of my opinions about funny topics, relaxed topics and serious ones too. Even though she is the craziest person I know and is so totally insane I love her to bits and I am so glad she is in my life.

The smallest things can make you want to scream and they all build up to make one huge ball of sadness and anger and pain, the good news is that this works in reverse; the tiniest things can make you smile and feel much better. You may not even realise it but by just smiling at someone  you can turn their whole day around and then they are more likely to make someone else happy and before you know it the whole city is full of smiles. All the little kind gestures you do build up and start chain reactions, spreading happiness everywhere.

Things that make me happy include being in the same room as Olivia and Kate, chocolate, junk food (because unhealthy just tastes so much better than salad), monkeys, my cat, shopping, dressing up, BOOKS, Sherlock, fandoms, YouTube and winter! However there is one person who I definitely think can make anyone and everyone happy; Carrie Hope Fletcher. She is currently playing Eponine in the West End and is doing lots of other really cool things to do with acting as well as making YouTube videos. I love her because she just always knows what to say and how to make it sound right. She shares and spreads so much positivity into the world and I think she deserves the title of Best Person Ever because she really, truly is. She has the best fan base ever full of happiness, love, kindness, friendship and support. Never any hate. Because it is impossible to hate such a lovely, beautiful, kind hearted, talented and sensational human being. I hope one day if she needs it she feels like the Hopefuls can give her as much support and care as she has given us because she truly deserves it.

I’m Fine

I’m
depressed, sad, hurt, confused, lonely, unloved, judged, misunderstood, insignificant, broken, dying inside
Fine

Too Many Plans

I don’t know how many people are like me, but I am ALWAYS making plans! And I make them all the time and they are not flexible plans which is really bad and I need to stop doing that. Because my plans hardly ever go ahead and if they do they nearly always go wrong- ever the optimist 🙂

At the moment there are some really tight plans that I am terrified wont go right and I really want them to go my way. They are only my life plans so no big deal, right?

First of all there are my GCSE’s. I think I mentioned it before but I am taking Art, Drama, History, Geography, and French as well has English, Maths, Biology, Physics and Chemistry (I also get 1/2 a GCSE in R.E. and another 1/2 in citizenship). Now that’s a lot of exams as you do quite a few in English because it’s split up, too many for my liking in Maths and 3 in French (I’m not sure about the other subjects). I would really love to get A’s in all of them, wouldn’t everyone? I know that is probably not going to happen but I really want at least a B in every subject apart from maths which I would be happy to even get a U if I’m honest.

People think just because I am in top set for everything that I can do everything, if you think this then let me tell you something; you couldn’t be more wrong. If I say “I struggle so much in maths.” their response is always “OH MY GOODNESS! No you don’t! You are so smart you’re in set 1! I find it difficult, I’m in set 5!” Or something on similar line to that. Just because I am in top set doesn’t mean I can do all these things. When I say I struggle in maths I really mean it. I am at the bottom of my set and I am sooooooo slow. I only ever understand things and do well in them (in maths) when everyone else can’t do them. If everyone else gets it I don’t.

SIDE NOTE: I just tried to whip a cat hair off my screen with the mouse- it didn’t work.

I wish people didn’t always moan at me every time I found something hard. Not only is it actually hurtful it is SO ANNOYING!!! Also I HATE it when people say “Oh what did you get” and I reply with something like “97%/100%/8C etc.” and they always say something like “Oh WHATEVER!” or “Shut UP!” for anyone who has ever told me that, or you do this to other people; SHUT THE FUCK UP! You ASKED ME!!! I answered you. Do NOT tell me to shut up. If you are being a jealous prick study harder and get your own great score. It’s not my fault I’m smarter than you. I don’t think you will be telling me to shut up when I’m making my millions because I studied hard at school when you mucked about and told people to shut up because they got good grades and now you have to work in McDonalds if you managed to get high enough grades!

The second thing I have prepared for is Sixth Form, for A Levels I want to take Art, Photography, Performing Arts, French and maybe R.E. if I can squeeze it in. But the problems I face are what if  I cant find another school that have good departments in these subjects? What if teachers change? What if the school I have my eye on for a particular A Level stops doing the subject I want to take? What if it all gets too much? What if they are too hard? What if I fail?

All these What if’s haunt me and will continue to haunt me until I actually get to Sixth Form. the there is what come after 6th form.

A few months ago I stumbled across a website called New York Film Academy (NYFA) and they offer such great courses. I thought it looked like a good school but I wasn’t really that interested because it was in America and I don’t really want to leave home for university, however a few weeks ago they sent me an email about a film making/acting workshop that was happening in London. I told my friend Olivia about it and we decided to go. (I nearly forgot to tell my mum I was going!) Anyway since last Saturday (Sat 21st June)- which is when we went my plans  and dreams have changed once more. Now Olivia and I would love to attend the summer camps for 1 week in New York in 2017 and we really want to go to this academy and do the 1-2 year programme in acting because it sounds so simply amazing and they offer such amazing opportunities. However neither of our families are very rich and this particular university happens to be very pricey. I have the bad luck of being the youngest so my mum will have hardly any money to spend on my Uni fees if she is already paying for SR and F’s universities. I guess I’ll just have to start saving now, although I’ll still never be able to afford it. I will try my best and hope that I find a couple thousand pound on the side of the road…

The End of a Story

I feel like I still have loads to write on this blog but at the same time I feel as if it’s up to date. There are still plenty of things I haven’t said and there are many things I probably never will but at this precise moment in time I feel like my actual life story has finally been written and that the rest of my posts wont actually be my life but more of feelings…that makes sense in my head.

I still have many things I want to write about that I have stored on my phone but I hardly ever get free time now that I look at the notes and think “What on earth does that even mean?!”- that happens a lot. Even though my posts may become more infrequent and they are just my feelings not ‘stories’ I still have so many stages of my life yet to complete and there will be things I will want to share and some that I will not. No one knows what the future holds.

I don’t feel like a lot of my near future is going to be that great, unfortunately. School can be great but it is full of moaning stupid teenage girls who bitch and cry and bitch even more which makes them cry even more when it comes back to bite them on the bum; what goes around comes around- like karma. Now don’t get me wrong not every girl is like that, I’m not. I have no sympathy for girls like that. Boys just beat each other up and the argument is over but some girls have to make things so dramatic and twist EVERYTHING! I love arguments because I always win but I don’t like getting into stupid pathetic arguments because they are just a waste of life. I just try to stick with my friends.

It’s funny I should say that because my friendship has actually grown because I accidental destroyed someone else’s and now she has no one…oops. She was selfish anyway and the people who came from her group to mine we both my friends anyway and they came by choice I just suggested it because they are always sooo horrible to these two lovely people. It’s not my fault really- FlowerHead (that’s what I’ve decided to call her by the way) should be a nicer person instead of a nosey moo.

I might not always enjoy life but there are some things I am really keen to experiment and do and there are things I cant wait to try. I am really excited for some of the future and I just hope it is as good as I expect, I mean this time in four years we could have entered a nuclear war and all  be dead therefore no one will be reading this. Lets hope it doesn’t come to that.

“Don’t Grow up it’s Crap”

On the 8th June I finally turned 14. I am one of the youngest in my friendship group (well actually I’m in the middle). I had a great day. I made my confirmation on the same day with SR and F so I had family over and my two best ever friends; Olivia and Kate! I got loads of really cool things including the best present ever from Olivia; Sherlock Cludo!!! I am disappointed to say I didn’t win however I was SOOOO close I just made one silly mistake. Anyway we had a great time and I got more presents from my other friends the next day at school.

People always tell you not to wish your life away because once it’s gone, it’s gone. But sometimes I can’t help feeling they are wrong. I admit that when I was such a small child I wanted to be grown up and to be a cool teenager, looking back sometimes I don’t regret feeling like that because some of the things I did/say were sooo cringy! , however when I was younger I didn’t feel the way I do now and I didn’t worry so much and feel so trapped. People did things for me and made decisions for me; life was so much easier. Now I have the stress of starting my GCSE’s in less than a few months! Sometimes it all just get’s a bit too much! Even though I know why you shouldn’t say you wish you were older and I slightly regret wishing it when I was younger, things are different now. I REALLY want to be 18 because then I can finally escape the hell that is my life. I can move out if I want to, I will have finished all my exams (A Levels) and can either get a job or go to uni! And the best thing of all is that I will be able to see my dad! I will be able to talk to him and not worry about the fact that it is technically illegal. I don’t think Yvonne really understands what it’s like to not even be allowed to speak on the phone to your own father for, literally, years.
I am really nervous about my GCSE’s. My sister did so amazingly well that she has set the expectations really high, I feel. I want to make my mum proud but I don’t know if I will ever be able to do that. I don’t want to turn into my sister; a person who locks herself in her room for 8 hours straight studying all the time and so much she forgets she has a family. I love her but I don’t want to be her. I think I have the determination to get where I would like to be in life but I just don’t know HOW to get there. I don’t feel like I have the talent and the brains to pass all my exams! I am taking an extra GCSE (French) because I can do a smaller amount of studying outside of school but still take the exams and then I have a better chance of getting at least one reasonable grade. I just want my dad to be here for me, to support me and to watch me open my results. It’s not fair that he only gets to see that from 1/4 of his children.
I think if I concentrate and revise well and eat/sleep properly I can get good enough grades. I am trying to love life and live it too the full but sometimes things you want turn into things you need but just become so far out of reach.

Meow!

I have a cat…….wow so fascinating- like no one else has a cat.

She’s a fat 7 year old black cat called Molly. I got her when she was 3. She was from a rescue centre and we were her 4th home so it hasn’t really helped that we have moved house twice since we’ve had her and taken her once on holiday, had a dog over for a week and left her while we went away leaving my brother to organise someone to look after her BIG MISTAKE! She went the last 3 days without food and would come inside for ages and she got fleas from sitting in the long grass terrified and hungry.

I have had quite a few cats although I don’t remember much about them as I was very young and most of the time I think I’ve known a cat but it turns out that I’ve just heard about them so much I thought I’d met them when in actual fact my parents had the cat before I was even born. I really love Molly because she has a great personality and she’s really funny and cute although my mum doesn’t like her because she finds her irritating- I don’t know why.

First of all a few facts. Molly likes eating butter, croissants, roasted carrots and chicken nuggets. She likes dry food and she like cold fresh water like all cats. But Molly used to drink out of a glass and now she drinks out of a blue plastic ice cream bowl because it’s easier for her. Unlike other cats Molly loves water and when we first got her she wondered into the bathroom and tried to get into a bubble bath! She is so cute but can be a bit grumpy if you don’t pay her any attention. She likes to sit on my face and on your throat/chest so you cant breath. Also at night sometimes she stretches and sticks her claws in my eyes!

Molly is very human like she use to sit at the dinner table with us and sit like a small child. She likes to be picked up like a baby but I often put her on my hip and she clings on. When I’m lying down sometimes she will come and rest her head on my collar bone which is really cute. The other day she put her face on my cheek because I wouldn’t get up to feed her. Once she even got under the covers and put one paw over the duvet. I tried to take a picture but it was too dark and I didn’t want to move in case she did too. She is adorable!

We now both share a room and we get on  but we have arguments sometimes. (People can find  it a little weird when I say something like that….I cant think why!). We argue about the mess, the state of the carpet, leaving the windows open, who should have more of the bed, why she shouldn’t eat of the floor etc. Our neighbours probably think we have some messed up child living with us!

Molly’s birthday is the 10th April so she has just turned into a mature cat, but she’s still like a kitten really because she loved to play, especially with her 3 little mice!

Molly use to love brining people presents. She once took my sister’s toothbrush to her. She doesn’t hurt mice or birds she plays with them but she does kill rats and baby moles. Once she brought me a dead baby mole and plonked it on my homework so it’s guts ruined my work! She has only ever gotten on with one cat before and she was called Star (we named her that), they would just sit and look at each other and not do anything but put an other cat in a room with her and she’ll go manic!

One time we were going to C’s and he has a dog named JJ. We took Molly with us and she was in the sitting room but JJ came in. JJ is a lovely very friendly dog and very slobbery. He is a chocolate Labrador and he is so cute. He came over and stared at molly who was standing on the sofa. She kissed her on the nose and she scratched his poor face! 😦 We don’t let her meet other animals.

Molly doesn’t wear a collar because if you put anything on her she’ll eat it! She is very mischievous and will not learn her lesson if she injures herself from trying to jump to a high place. She climbed on top of my wardrobe a few weeks back using my sister’s head as a step ladder!

I love Molly and even if she gets in the way it is really cute and comforting to know that she is there! 🙂

A Whole Load of Words

Ways I see my self and others have said to see me (both good and bad):

Natural, smart, aware, observant, responsible, supportive, caring, appreciative (although I cannot always show this), trustworthy (most of the time), charitable, dutiful, loyal, understanding (when I want to be),vindictive (sometimes), unyielding (when I want to get my own way), possessive (not all the time but I have a habit of controlling people without them realising), jealous (sometimes I can be- mostly of others lives), ungracious (it really depends on who I am talking to), rude (almost always but not purposely), hostile (when I want to be), unfeeling (when I get bored of other people’s problems [only ever people I don’t like]), powerful, decisive, authoritative, materially successful (well I can be if I try hard enough), judgmental (extremely, but then isn’t everyone? I don’t mean to be), balanced (I have a very mixed personality), passionate (DEFINITELY), influential (to some people maybe), pioneering (when I want to be), venturesome, fanatical, obsessive (about the things I love), dedicated (100% when it’s something important or I want to do), militant, rebellious, aggressive (not physically but I can be sometimes), practical, methodical, logical, orderly, precise, stubborn (I can be very stubborn but not always), dishonest (I can lie well when I want to but I have adapted to telling the truth as much as possible over the last few years and that means I am not afraid to tell people what I think of them), (I can be): discourteous.

Some people have described me as the following but I do not agree, maybe others do:

Earthly (I am not simple or plain, I am retarded, confusing and like to make things complicated!), economical (I have expensive taste and even when I don’t know the price of things I normally always chose the most expensive), disciplined (definitely not I cant control my chocolate consumption), inflexible, narrow minded, restricted (maybe sometimes I feel restricted but that does not mean me as a person is restricted), crude, obedient (when I want to be I can but I do like being rebellious), happy (I struggle to look at the positive side of things and am not always happy on the inside even when I appear to be on the outside), irresponsible, unreliable (I am very reliable), self-confident (NO!), tyrannical (I can be mean and rude by accident but I’m not really cruel and harsh…), restrictive, ridged, inconsiderate, cold-blooded, hard-hearted, and I am definitely not fraudulent!